Sunday, February 28, 2016

#SOL16: Not Knowing


I think I may have forgotten how to be in the world. Since Rob was moved to the Step-down unit and then to the Palliative Care unit and finally home, my life has become increasingly insular. Mostly, I take care of Rob. Tonight I lost it. I made dinner for my family and then tried to sleep. I wanted Rob. I wanted him to do what he has done for 30 years, offer just the right comfort. And there in our bedroom I realized that he was never going to be able to offer what he so freely gave me again.

On Valentine's Day, Rob and I had breakfast together. He was able to get out of bed and sit at a table. I brought bagels with cream cheese and Rob ate all of his and half of mine. He sent me an e-card and personalized as he always have done with a brief poem.

A week later, Rob would no longer be able to hold on to who I am by name.

Rob at Christmas with our dog, Max.

Rob and Devon in the pool.


I have been looking through old photographs from when Devon was 6 months to a year. I look at the pictures of Rob and Devon and think about us at that time and how we could not imagine that Rob would be with us less than 17 years. How could that be?

I'm glad we didn't know. We lived so fully. Not knowing is so much more important that myriad of things we can say we know.


  1. I don't always comment...I often can't find the right words... but I read all your posts, am moved by them and have so much admiration for you. I hope I can share from afar some of what you are facing so bravely. What wonderful images here! Love shines through.

    1. Thank you Catharine. So good to hear the love shines through.

  2. I can't say it better than Catharine.