|Petals and Glass Shard (M.A. Reilly, Dublin, 2009)|
A former student of Rob's texts me and writes, "I am heartbroken."
I read it and think, yes it is that simple and that complex.
Anticipatory grief. How could I know that these burning holes in my stomach and heart had a name. Anticipatory grief.
"The name given to the tumultuous set of feelings and reactions that occur in some people who are expecting death in a loved one. These emotions can be just as intense as the conventional sort of grief felt after a death" (from here).
I simply cannot imagine what it will be like to not be able to touch Rob, hear him laugh, nudge him when I see Devon doing something that I know only he'd appreciate, listen as he shifts from husband to teacher and explains Heisenberg, Cage, or a particular scene from Joyce's Ulysses, or sleep alongside him, entwined.
We are body and mind and I am