Saturday, February 13, 2016

#SOL16: Live Brilliantly

Birds Lifting (M.A. Reilly, 2010)

Family and friends surround my husband. It's his first day in palliative care and one friend has brought music. I'm given Mardi Gras beads to wear and do so. Think cocktail party without the booze. Clusters gather and chat, shift, chat again. Chairs from other rooms are procured. People move in and out of the room and I too am caught up in a lengthy conversation when I notice the loud quiet that surrounds Rob, who is reclined in the bed at the center of the room.

He's already leaving. A foot here and the other somewhere else.

I study him, this man who knows some secret of immense value that the rest of us cannot discern. He's my best friend, lover, confidante, husband, father of our child, business partner, co-writer, holder of my future plans. We were supposed to retire. We were supposed to travel the world.

A few hours after we learned that the cancer had metastasized to his liver, spleen, ribs, and sternum and that he was too weak to receive opdivo, I lean across him, sobbing--confessing that I do not know how to face a future without him.  He answers immediately.

"Live brilliantly," he tells me. "Don't you dare hide yourself. Don't you do that. Live brilliantly."




19 comments:

  1. Sometimes i can hardly bear to read your posts -they are so intense, real and moving, but then I think YOU are bearing all this and sharing with us through the beauty of your words.

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    1. Knowing these words are read helps so much.

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  3. Yes, so intense, so densely packed with truth and love. A privilege to read these words and be with you here, Mary Ann. Sending love x

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  4. You so beautifully describe the reality of what is so heartbreaking to live through. Thinking of you both and sending love <3.

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  5. Your words pierce the inconceivable, those emotions that we can only imagine from the sidelines where we sit, watch, listen, and wonder. Sending love...

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    1. It helps me to write. Thank you for reading.

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  6. Thinking of you and your beautiful family and sending love

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  7. Mary Ann, your strength to write in the face of struggle is amazing. May a peace surround you and your husband amidst the tears.

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  8. "Live brilliantly." What beautiful words.

    Cathy

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  9. I. Am. So. Grateful. For. You BOTH. As a fellow traveller, no truer words. None.

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