|Cliffs of Moher (M.A. Reilly, 2009)|
“Tus maith leath na hoibre.”* Irish Blessing
A friend sent me, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings, by John O'Donohue. It has become important, as it is so wise and I am in need of such wisdom. O'Donohue writes,
Beginnings often frighten us because they seem like lonely voyages into the unknown. Yet, in truth, no beginning is empty or isolated...Goethe says that once the commitment is made, destiny conspires with us to support and realize it...A beginning is ultimately an invitation to open toward the gifts and growth that are stored up for us. To refuse to begin can be an act of great self-neglect.The last line stays with me. Lingers. To refuse to begin can be an act of great self-neglect.
I have been waiting.
Even when I did not think that could be true, I have been waiting.
Waiting to hear the sound of Rob's footsteps as he climbed the flight of stairs from the garage like he did for 14 years.
Waiting for someone to explain how my husband could die so quickly, so young.
Waiting for breath to return that isn't tinged with pain.
Waiting for time to rewrite itself.
Waiting for God to come down from heaven and apologize.
Waiting for solace to rename this grief.
Waiting for my heart to restart.
Waiting, like those women who lean their elbows on windowsills and dream of other places, other times.
Edward Said told us that we are often well past beginning when we are able to name it as so. I closed my dissertation with that observation. How could I know that I would embody it so fully 20 years later?
I am well past the beginning.
*"A good beginning is half the work.”