|Winter (M.A. Reilly, 2012)|
Healing comes at a cost. There is a loss of innocence when your husband of decades dies. The world is no longer quite so polished, quite so predictable, quite so generous as I might have thought. Healing requires not only this loss, but also the acknowledgement that grief is not sourced exclusively to the deceased. The loss of self in relationship to Rob as husband and father, and the loss of an imagined future are also sources of grief.
Who am I now that I am no longer Rob's wife? His lover? His best friend? Co-parent? His business partner? Co-traveler? Editor? Dinner partner? Co-pilot on road trips? Who am I now that he is gone?
I thought healing meant I needed to come to terms with Rob's death and though this is true, it is only a partial truth. The death of your husband brings into focus all those partial truths you thought were whole. Healing requires me to live with sudden sadness and acute loneliness, understanding that each offers insights that before now I could not know.
It is remembering what I love besides my husband that is so difficult, so unfamiliar.