#SOL16: 60 Triggers

Coming Undone  (M.A. Reilly, 2012)

The holidays brings so many memories of Rob, triggered by a list that doesn't seem to end. Even though each hurts at the surprising moment of encounter, the memories that linger are also soothing. Here's 60 -- one for every year Rob lived.

1. an ad for a Tibetan singing bowl
2. reading the Sunday Times and not having you to read to me
3. finding in my wallet an old comic Rob gave me 
4. using a hand warmer--knowing you introduced me to them
5. the triangular box for an ornament that came in the mail
6. everything in the attic I can't bear to bring down stairs for Christmas
7. finding the menorah that Dev and Rob lit when Dev was a young child
8. a man changing a flat tire on the side of the road
9. finding the last message Rob left me on my phone
10. latest issue of The Nation that arrived via the mail that still is addressed to Rob
11. a solicitation call from the ACLU
12. the spill of weak winter light through the back window 
13. a radio ad announcing immunotherapy 
14. an email from one of Rob's former students
15. a photo from Loch Ness I found in a  drawer
16. raking leaves
17. a song on the radio
18. the smell of pine from the Christmas tree
19. any navy blue Pacifica I pass on the road
20. a container of miso soup
21. a sign for Brooklyn Tech
22. Mo Anam Cara
23. the notes Rob was working on that are still on his desktop 
24. overhearing someone mention Grange (in Ireland)
25. when I see someone writing with a fountain pen 
26. At Bed Bath and Beyond seeing a new wooden back brush like the one I bought for Rob every year
27. thinking about lineage makes me think of the morning Rob and I spent at the Joyce House in Dublin
28. realizing that an entire football season has happened and I only recently heard mention of the Giants
29. every time I pull my car into the garage and Rob's car is no longer there
30. June 16, 1904
31. a jar with loose tea leaves
32. West Rutland, VT
33. seeing a print from that art studio on the Isle of Sky
34. seeing wine from Montepulciano on a menu
35. finding Rob's now expired passport in the dresser
36. the photo of the man I took on Grafton Street in Dublin and realizing now that Rob would live only 8 years after I took it
37. the roll of a chair on the wooden floor above
38. winter sunsets
39. planning Christmas dinner this year
40. selecting gifts for Dev and not having you here to discuss what to buy and make for our son
41. the smell of snow
42. a man with a small braid in his hair
43. holiday shopping in Warwick, NY
44. a flannel shirt left on the sofa
45. the mention of finger painting
46. seeing the New York Times on a wooden table
47. finding an independent bookshop and realizing that Rob isn't here for me to buy a gift
48. the sound of an espresso machine
49. every time I pass a place I photographed 
50. loose change
51. the basket Rob always kept in the back of his car
52. overhearing someone mention the Serenity Prayer
53. the smell of a fire when I am out walking
54. not signing Rob's name on the Christmas tags for Devon's gifts 
55. seeing someone wearing a Black Dog Cafe t-shirt
56. the first snowfall 
57. preparing for a workshop and not having Rob to bounce off ideas
58. realizing the 28th of this month will come and there is no anniversary now to celebrate
59. putting on the heat for the car seat
60. every lone cardinal