Blind Faith (M.A. Reilly, West Milford, NJ, 2008)
You have laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps. - Psalm, 88:6, American King James Bible
After the death, after the weeks of shock had begun to wear thin, putting down the burden of grief is more of a temporary matter, no matter how much I wish it was more permanent. After two weeks of great pain, of feeling wounded, yesterday and this morning I mostly remembered Rob with joy. Yes, joy. I know, it all feels so foreign.
Grief is more like a spiral, like a Klein bottle. Orientation is largely moment to moment and even then coming across an unexpected artifact can undo any sense of permanence And so it is not too surprising that I am not able to predict where I will land as I move through each day. I move through periods of calm and those drenched in terror. Through wakefulness, sudden bouts of crying, and now and then tender moments when I recall the man I have loved for so long. To not feel is to prolong the agony, the uncertainty and to memorialize the pain. Not feeling distances me from Rob.
The last two weeks have been fraught with sorrows so deep I am mining well beneath the surface. The disbelief about Rob's illness and death has cracked some, leaving fissures I can now grab as I haul myself out of the deeps inch by inch.
I keep reading Mary Ann...
ReplyDeleteAre you working with a therapist?
Sandie has been a big help to me - talking and breathing, moving exercises...
Your writing is so powerful!
Digital Bonnie
I am working with a therapist and also am part of a grief group. Both help. Both are different. The walking and writing help as well. And then there is the grief and what I understand is that I need to move through it. I am. Just not always able to tell where forward is....Thanks for reading.
DeleteForward yes, that's a tough concept even when you are moving. Then you're not. This is the hardest experience I've ever been through.
DeleteTakes a lot of courage